she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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