Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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