I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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