based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
