Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
