she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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