I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
