Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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