I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
