So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We got so high we made milksteak
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
