So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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