Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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