Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
