watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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