You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
