my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
