I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
