the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Randomize
