I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
