do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
