I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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