we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and you said cock pushups were impossible
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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