cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
