she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
