We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
