Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
