6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Randomize
