i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
