glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
