I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
