ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
