Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
