I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
