The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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