My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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