Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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