Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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