Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
