I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
