you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
