Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
