Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have tasted many bathrooms
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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