i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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