Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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