Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
