im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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