census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
