My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
