Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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