tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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