I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
